Last Christmas I gave you my heart (chareng) Eve, I was writing a similar blogpost back at home, alone, preoccupied with all of the should-have-beens and endless questioning. I strongly felt sorry, for what happened and for other people I've caused pain to, but for the most part I felt sorry for myself, for the times I let myself down and for the times when I chose to give love when apparently, it's me who badly needed it.
Now, I'm at my new home, not alone and getting the words for this yearend post from my almost-recovered heart. I'm still making my way through that love-yourself-first road though, and it's tough. Believe me. If you're on the same journey, I feel you.
The past 12 months were unsurprisingly nowhere near smooth and steady. When 2018 unfolded, I knew things would be all about picking myself up. And yes, the year also gave me a good beating. It's like physically, financially, emotionally and mentally draining for me. I even doubted myself and plenty of times, I thought of just taking the easy path back to my comfort zone. I don't know what had gotten into me because here I am, I miraculously made it through the bumpy ride.
Of course, I won't let this year pass without taking a good look back and remind myself of things that I should be thankful for.
Let's wrap up 2018, shall we?
Here's my ticket to adulthood. Haha! 😊
So that's pretty much how my 2018 went. A lot of adulting, braving through, few life-changing decisions and all about getting back on my feet after a hard stumble. I gotta say, this has been one of the toughest years of my life. It's like the universe was having a great time throwing problems my way. Hahaha! Nevertheless, I know I could trust the Awesome Guy up there. To me, He seems like "I know you could handle this one, kid. And this one too. You got this." And the most important part of what I think He thinks is - "learn from this."
So here it goes.
Anything worth having is worth fighting for. However, if you feel like you're already losing yourself in the process, it's definitely okay to take a step back for a self-worth check. Finding reasons to fight for the person, with the person is easy. It's love and that's just how it works. And if that's the case, finding reasons to love yourself first should be easy too and that hit me hard.
Some things end. Some people go. The worse part is, when they leave, they would sometimes choose not to answer your whys. Then, you find yourself chasing answers you'd never get. So I realized, maybe sometimes, we don't need closures. We just have to move on. Endings could be messy and undeniably painful, but forgiving yourself is key too. That maybe, the only closure we need is the one we should have with ourself and that hit me hard.
You could never trust timing. Life would sometimes play tricks on you. You could meet a right person at a wrong time or get an opportunity when you're done wishing for it. Life's timing sucks. But I'd rather deal with bad circumstances than not taking that chance, not be given things I've prayed for or not meeting that person at all. Timings are only wrong when we let it be wrong and that hit me hard.
Not all things in life would turn out how you expected them to be and that's okay. As bad as it gets, you just have to keep moving. It's more likely that you'll regret the risks you didn't take than the things you ended up doing and failed at and that hit me hard.
It puzzles me a bit how a lot of things could happened in a span of twelve months yet towards the end, it would feel like it just passed by so fast. As a new year closes in, I would like to remind myself to accept the mistakes I've done, let go of what's been haunting me, bury the guilt and continuously grow as a person. No amount of "dwelling on the past" would change what happened and it's pointless trying to fight for my reasons or tell the other side of the story if everyone has judged me already. Better to leave all the bad feelings behind. No turning back.
I'll welcome 2019 with hopes I've never had before, with a hand not ever wanting to let go (ayieee, char). To bigger dreams, to harder laughs and more serious adulting (omaygad, I'm turning 30 next year). Beating is over, 2018. Hahaha! 😚
Cheers, good luck and dream on! Happy new year, world!
your sweetest drug,
Now, I'm at my new home, not alone and getting the words for this yearend post from my almost-recovered heart. I'm still making my way through that love-yourself-first road though, and it's tough. Believe me. If you're on the same journey, I feel you.
The past 12 months were unsurprisingly nowhere near smooth and steady. When 2018 unfolded, I knew things would be all about picking myself up. And yes, the year also gave me a good beating. It's like physically, financially, emotionally and mentally draining for me. I even doubted myself and plenty of times, I thought of just taking the easy path back to my comfort zone. I don't know what had gotten into me because here I am, I miraculously made it through the bumpy ride.
Of course, I won't let this year pass without taking a good look back and remind myself of things that I should be thankful for.
Let's wrap up 2018, shall we?
Miss Independent
Here's my ticket to adulthood. Haha! 😊
Having your own place has its pros and cons. I got the convenience back from daily commuting, but having to cook your own food, wash your clothes, do your groceries, clean, not to mention the most gruesome part of all - manage the bills became another horror story. What made it even more hellish was the hassle from all of the repairs that had to be done in my unit. Imagine having a clogged toilet, broken pipes, water leaks and cracked walls. Nevertheless, I'm still looking forward to starting mini projects and making it cozy, much more like a home and not just some "sleepover" kind of place.
Not that super far...
It amazes me how songs can take you to pink skies then suddenly stab you in the chest. Oh, LANY.
Thank you for the trust...
I want to thank Sephora, Fresh, Caronia and Althea team for letting me try their amazing products. Their trust pushes me to work harder.
This year, I joined the Althea community and I became one of their Angels. I could still remember the excitement when I received that awesome news.
ELYU
I didn't get to travel so much this year, which is understandable because my finances went crazy after I moved in. I had a chance to go on a roadtrip though and that's a nice experience because I got to surf again. Yay!
Life took another unexpected turn...
Just when I thought it was another closed door for me, the universe planned something else and gravitated me back to where I was one and a half years ago. At first, I didn't know how to feel about everything, from leaving my new team at the point where workplace and work itself have been better to grabbing the opportunity I didn't know I would come across ever. I admit, I felt scared and unsure. Then, I was filled with gratitude because it finally came to me that it's a rare shot. It took me some serious thinking and eventually, I took the leap.
That decision also brought me to another city back in July. I got to meet some folks I was working with before and even though that Bangalore trip was short, the whole experience was still one for the books. Too bad, I don't have much pictures to put into that book. Hahahaha! 😝
Back to filming...
There's definitely a struggle whenever I try to juggle things and it just so happened that le blog was pushed all the way down my priority list. For the past months, it has been so difficult to finish even one post a week, all the more make a video. I took a long break from filming because my time management just got out of whack with all of the stuff I on my plate and I don't know, maybe I lost a bit of inspiration too.
I realized I just needed a little push and even if I'm still rusty at it, I'm so glad I managed to put up two this year!
To the beach...
Long weekends never felt this good. We always look forward to no-alarm-clock days, last full shows and quick trips like this one.
Hoping for more sandy and salty moments next year!
So here it goes.
Anything worth having is worth fighting for. However, if you feel like you're already losing yourself in the process, it's definitely okay to take a step back for a self-worth check. Finding reasons to fight for the person, with the person is easy. It's love and that's just how it works. And if that's the case, finding reasons to love yourself first should be easy too and that hit me hard.
Some things end. Some people go. The worse part is, when they leave, they would sometimes choose not to answer your whys. Then, you find yourself chasing answers you'd never get. So I realized, maybe sometimes, we don't need closures. We just have to move on. Endings could be messy and undeniably painful, but forgiving yourself is key too. That maybe, the only closure we need is the one we should have with ourself and that hit me hard.
You could never trust timing. Life would sometimes play tricks on you. You could meet a right person at a wrong time or get an opportunity when you're done wishing for it. Life's timing sucks. But I'd rather deal with bad circumstances than not taking that chance, not be given things I've prayed for or not meeting that person at all. Timings are only wrong when we let it be wrong and that hit me hard.
Not all things in life would turn out how you expected them to be and that's okay. As bad as it gets, you just have to keep moving. It's more likely that you'll regret the risks you didn't take than the things you ended up doing and failed at and that hit me hard.
I'll welcome 2019 with hopes I've never had before, with a hand not ever wanting to let go (ayieee, char). To bigger dreams, to harder laughs and more serious adulting (omaygad, I'm turning 30 next year). Beating is over, 2018. Hahaha! 😚
Cheers, good luck and dream on! Happy new year, world!
your sweetest drug,
